Episode 1: Old People on Myspace.
Welcome to the first ever edition of "INTERNESTRONAUTS" the posting series devoted to cataloguing strange things I've found on the Internet. An entire collection of stupid shit compiled for posterity, and masturbatory sarcasm fits.
First, a little background information. You see, I used to be an engineer at NASA, but thanks to budget shortfalls, I was forced into early retirement at the ripe young age of 15. Now, using my super genius NASA powers I search the Internet for trivialities using google, a lot like I used to search the stars for life using a big telescope and microwaves.
Also, like a lot of you faggots out there on the Internet, I've been drawn into setting up a Myspace.com account. Knowing full well the emo, boyfriend/girlfriend loving and/or hating, and general ickiness that goes on on said website, but not wanting to miss out on the hardcore titty exposing sections, and loose chicks, I decided to put up a joke account instead of my original plan: black and white photos of my eyes to hide my fatness, a picture of Paris Hilton's head on a spinning hypnoticotist's wheel background, and poetry.
I set about making my Myspace account, finally settling on Ernest Hemingway as my Internet persona. Tons of chicks are friends with Godzilla, so Ernest has to get some action, right? Wrong.
After finding people I already knew and friending them, I sat back a waited for the pussy to come rolling through the door. Needless to say nothing happened. What I did find out though was that I am very popular with what I believe may be the saddest Internet demographic on the planet;Old people who consider themselves "trendy".
Let me introduce you to some of them, and make fun of them accordingly.
Old Man- Old man here is a professor at a small university in Wisconsin. Not only is he a professor, he is the walking stereotype of a professor. He's kind of like that black dude who actually does smokes crack and eat fried chicken. You see, Old Man's whole life is basically the back-story an uncreative TV method actor would make for a bit role professor character on Law and Orderz:SVU. Everything about Old Man could have been written by Matt Damon circa "Good Will Hunting", except for the anal beads around his neck. Honestly, there is really no point in this guy existing at all. The universe will get wind of his existence not covering any new ground and send him to his grave with a timely heart attack. His funeral will be attended byadorings co-ed's that he would have fucked if he could have kept up his wood.
Old Lady- I'll let here "about me" section speak for it's self.--"I love to dance, especially Latin dancing such as Cha-Cha, Merenge, Salsa! I can be shy and outgoing. I've been told I'm unpretentious, gullible, goofy, creative, logical and sometimes too serious though if you make me laugh I will stop. I am into elegant design (systems designer). I've seen program code as beautiful as poetry. I live for music and photography. I want to write as beautifully as Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Conversation, laughter, creativity, spontenaity and hands turn me on. I enjoy my solitude and respect yours. Have meditated off and on through the years, have recently discovered what tantric really means and I thrive in a romantic atmosphere. I appreciate the visual arts, performance arts and love people, cats, trees, water, greens, blues and purples."
This lady is bascally everything everyone hates about baby-boomers cramed into one steaming pile of shit. I've said my peace.
Crazy Old Man- Finally we come to "crazy old man". Crazy old man is just what his name implies. He's like Eric Rudolph if he hadn't bombed those "fag hideouts" and "baby killer resorts". He's still just as crazy, he just hasn't done anything to get the "feds" on his tail...Yet. I'll let his website do the rest of the talking.
So what have we learned. The internet is full of crazy motherfuckers who haven't had a word about them written down. If we don't start keeping track of them and writing down their stories, like WWII veterans, soon they'll be gone. And if they disappear all together then our children will not have to be annoyed by them.
Can you imagine what it'd be like growing up as a child without annoying veterans bugging you?
I don't know about you, but I can't stand by and watch that happen.