Celebrity Justice

Hookers are legal, IF you tape it!

2006-10-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

I've recently discovered that, although my state and county have harsh laws to keep my from paying a women to please my sex organs, I can easily pay a twensky ($20) to get a blow as long as I film it.

That's right, thanks to a loophole in our law system I'm pretty sure prostitution is legal as long has you have a video tape of it running and sell it later as pornography. But as I like to say you don't pay a prostitute for sex anyway, you pay her to leave afterwords. So next time you're cuddling up to your insignificant other, by which I mean dirty, dirty whore, hide a camera behind a two way mirror just in case.

That Girl is Going to be Someone's Mother Someday!!!!

2005-11-08T17:29:00.000-08:00

As the number of girls whose mouths I have pasted with my sexstacular man-cream continues to rise (I'm up to over 0, counting in prime numbers). The questions are raised in my head "Hey, one day these girls are going to be someone's mother?", "Is it ethical to treat this drunken slut like a piece of meat sucking meat?", "Does she have an STD that can go through her mouth?". All of these questions are important to me, a man of great ethical questioning and a ponderer of lifes great questions.

I have come to the conclusion that roughly 75 percent of our mom's have been nailed from behind, 80 percent have givin drunken blowjobs, and 90 percent were just plain dirt sluts at one point in their life.

Harold Bloom’s critical essays: “Poetry about Wolves”

2005-10-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

Some would say that all poetry, at its heart, is about wolves. The primal desire of man to suck at the eight teats of some beastial she-wolf is inherent in all masterful works. From T.S. Elliot’s wasteland to Dickenson’s moors, the wolf roams free and proud, bringing inspiration as though from the heavens, even as fear of the fanged beast clinches one’s bowels in a sick, sloppy desperation.
But still, man’s fascination with those wild creatures has manifested itself in far less subtle ways. The great works of such poets as Manfred Mann, and Pete W. Ishingwell Jr. masterfully capture the essences of the wolf by direct confrontation with the piercing gaze of that which has horrified cave men.

THE WOLF
By Manfred Mann

The Wolf
Who’s piercing gaze has horrified
Cavemen
I confront you directly.

SHE-WOLF
By Pete W. Ishingwelle

Oh great she wolf,
How I long to suckle from
Your eight teats
Sweet honey milk.

Their short form is direct and to the point, just like a wolf lunging for the jugular of some wild elk they grab you with their language as to never let go.

(Hey Lenard)

A WOLF IN THE NIGHT
By Brad Paris

At night
The wolf visits my dreams
As arbor and snow scents fill
My nostrils
The wolf is sleeping with my wife
Damn you, wolf bastard.

Paris is torn between the wolf and his love for it. How can he manage to survive with out the beast? It tortures him by his dreams, then slips in and bangs his wife. Paris cannot confront the creature whose great wolf penis is pleasuring his love with only the light of his dreams; he is too paralyzed by its magnificence. He goes on in later verses to confront both the wolf and his father, revealing what is probably the greatest surprise in all of western literature.

(verse 5)

Oh, great wolf
Tell me who my father was
Was he a great man?
He Was a Wolf!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOO.

It is a heartbreaking analogy to the quest of every man to seek out where he is from. As Paris correctly tells us; Look to the wild.

Guess Who's Now A Freemason?!?!?! PART 1

2005-09-10T07:53:00.000-07:00

Hola, guys! I know it's been awhile but I've been doing something really important. I've become a freemason! The application went through without a hitch, and, thanks to a great essay if I might add, I was accepted into the primary initiation rights. Little did I know, they had a surprise in store for me.

The day started out inconspicuously. I was sitting at home watching TV when I got a call. It was The Masons!!!!!!

After letting Mrs. Mason borrow a cup of sugar, I went back home to watch the HBO free preview weekend and relax. But, before I got to my front door, two hooded men came out of the bushes, jumped me, covered my mouth with chloroform soaked rag, and bludgeoned me in the back of the head with a 2-by-4.

When I awoke I was naked and chained down in the center of a pentagram shaped cage that was suspended in the air. I looked around me and noticed several others in the same situation: afraid, naked, not knowing why they were chained face down and greased up. After we were BUFUed by all of the members of the lodge I was promptly informed that I alone had passed the first rite of initiation--the tight asshole test. But, the second rite would be much harder than the first. I was doomed to live thirty days in hell; A hell specifically created to be ironic when matched up with my name. Such as William Shakespeare being impaled on a spear repeatedly, or George Washington having to wash a ton of clothes.

"What is your name?" The elder shaman asked, shaking his rain stick.

"Jon Hughes." I replied, timid and fearful.

The elders circled in a huddle, their soft, inaudible whispers echoing the chamber.

I scratched my sore asshole.

Hours past by.

Finally the elders spoke, "Your test has been decided."

I felt the hard blow of a 2-by-4 on the back of my head and chloroform soaked rag placed over my face. I blanked out.

A transcription of my arguments with my clever posters: THE SERIES

2005-08-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

ME: YOU MOTHER FUCKING SCUMBAG!

Poster of the 50's Guy: "..."

Me: Yeah, that's right, You're nothing but a rumor-spreading, AIDS infected, faggoty little miscarriage that can suck my cock! Who you think you are, Andy Kauffman? Do you think you're funny or something? It wasn't funny and you knew it. You think you can go around and embarrass me like that in front of my girlfriend and nothings going to happen? Well, I got news for you, 50's guy: the shit's hit the fan, and you're itchin' for an ass-kickin'.

P50g: "..."

Me: No, I don't care if you were drunk. You knew I liked Sandy and you still went off and ran your mouth like a little bitch anyway. You're just about the most crappy poster a dude could have! I hope you're proud of yourself, because you made both of us look like ass-holes and ruined my chances of getting pussy until this thing blows over--if this thing blows over.

P50g:"..."

Me: You know what, I don't even want to be roommates with you anymore. No one thinks you're funny, but you always say racist, mean shit that you know no one agrees with, and all you do you sit there on the wall next to my Jack Johnson posters and act like you're all #1 and shit. You're almost as worthless as that John Belushi "College" poster we kicked out.

P50g:"..."
Me: Yes, I will bring him into this. You know what, you're more worthless than that John Belushi poster. You're probably the most worthless poster I've ever owned, and that includes my Star Wars and Soundgarden posters. You've gotten me less pussy than my Soundgarden poster!

P50g: "..."

Me: Yes, that is the way I feel about it.You know what, you're going straight in to the garbage, and I don't care what you say. You're the cities problem now.

P50g: "..."

Me: Begging is not going to save you now. You did it, now you're just going to have to face the consequences.

P50g: "..."

(crumples poster, and sadly throws it away. A friendship ends)

On next weeks episode I get upset when my Dave Matthews Band poster spills gin on my prom dress...stay tuned!

Internetstronauts!!!!

2005-07-22T08:53:00.000-07:00

Episode 1: Old People on Myspace.

Welcome to the first ever edition of "INTERNESTRONAUTS" the posting series devoted to cataloguing strange things I've found on the Internet. An entire collection of stupid shit compiled for posterity, and masturbatory sarcasm fits.

First, a little background information. You see, I used to be an engineer at NASA, but thanks to budget shortfalls, I was forced into early retirement at the ripe young age of 15. Now, using my super genius NASA powers I search the Internet for trivialities using google, a lot like I used to search the stars for life using a big telescope and microwaves.

Also, like a lot of you faggots out there on the Internet, I've been drawn into setting up a Myspace.com account. Knowing full well the emo, boyfriend/girlfriend loving and/or hating, and general ickiness that goes on on said website, but not wanting to miss out on the hardcore titty exposing sections, and loose chicks, I decided to put up a joke account instead of my original plan: black and white photos of my eyes to hide my fatness, a picture of Paris Hilton's head on a spinning hypnoticotist's wheel background, and poetry.

I set about making my Myspace account, finally settling on Ernest Hemingway as my Internet persona. Tons of chicks are friends with Godzilla, so Ernest has to get some action, right? Wrong.

After finding people I already knew and friending them, I sat back a waited for the pussy to come rolling through the door. Needless to say nothing happened. What I did find out though was that I am very popular with what I believe may be the saddest Internet demographic on the planet;Old people who consider themselves "trendy".

Let me introduce you to some of them, and make fun of them accordingly.

Old Man- Old man here is a professor at a small university in Wisconsin. Not only is he a professor, he is the walking stereotype of a professor. He's kind of like that black dude who actually does smokes crack and eat fried chicken. You see, Old Man's whole life is basically the back-story an uncreative TV method actor would make for a bit role professor character on Law and Orderz:SVU. Everything about Old Man could have been written by Matt Damon circa "Good Will Hunting", except for the anal beads around his neck. Honestly, there is really no point in this guy existing at all. The universe will get wind of his existence not covering any new ground and send him to his grave with a timely heart attack. His funeral will be attended byadorings co-ed's that he would have fucked if he could have kept up his wood.

Old Lady- I'll let here "about me" section speak for it's self.--"I love to dance, especially Latin dancing such as Cha-Cha, Merenge, Salsa! I can be shy and outgoing. I've been told I'm unpretentious, gullible, goofy, creative, logical and sometimes too serious though if you make me laugh I will stop. I am into elegant design (systems designer). I've seen program code as beautiful as poetry. I live for music and photography. I want to write as beautifully as Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Conversation, laughter, creativity, spontenaity and hands turn me on. I enjoy my solitude and respect yours. Have meditated off and on through the years, have recently discovered what tantric really means and I thrive in a romantic atmosphere. I appreciate the visual arts, performance arts and love people, cats, trees, water, greens, blues and purples."
This lady is bascally everything everyone hates about baby-boomers cramed into one steaming pile of shit. I've said my peace.

Crazy Old Man- Finally we come to "crazy old man". Crazy old man is just what his name implies. He's like Eric Rudolph if he hadn't bombed those "fag hideouts" and "baby killer resorts". He's still just as crazy, he just hasn't done anything to get the "feds" on his tail...Yet. I'll let his website do the rest of the talking.
http://www.nickedgington.com/

So what have we learned. The internet is full of crazy motherfuckers who haven't had a word about them written down. If we don't start keeping track of them and writing down their stories, like WWII veterans, soon they'll be gone. And if they disappear all together then our children will not have to be annoyed by them.

Can you imagine what it'd be like growing up as a child without annoying veterans bugging you?

I don't know about you, but I can't stand by and watch that happen.

I want my MTV propaganda free, Faggot!

2005-07-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

As you all know, there are only two types of people who watch MTV on a regular basis; teenage girls, and assholes who are full enough of self loaving to hang themselves on a masochistic-irony noose. That being said, I'd like it to be brought to your attention that there is a growing number of army/marine recruitment commercials being aired during my weekly Laguna Beach recap marathon.

First, let me explain to you what Laguna Beach is. Laguna Beach is a teen drama that's shot like it's a reality series. The only reason I can figure for it being shot like this is either--
A-They are trying to trick people into thinking it's real.
Or,
B-This way they can avoid interesting plot or dialogue by passing it off under the guise of being realistic.

In all likelihood it is a 50-50 combination of both laziness and doubt of the MTV audience's ability to determine the difference between reality and fantasy because they threw in a slightly chubby one. This attempt is defeated by the fact that there's presumably heterosexual male named "Talon". Yeah, like a bird's foot; Talon.

This sets the basis for the main fault of logic in putting Army recruiting commercials on this channel. The only people watching this shit are 16 year old girls who'll blow any dude that identifies himself as Christian, and people who's highest aspiration in life is a 10 second comment on "Best Week Ever". Can anyone else see any use for an army of promiscuous teens and 35-year-old anti-hipsters? Are we going to "give'em the creepies" into submission by presenting them with a unified front of underage girls who have frighteningly low jeans? Can a sarcastic English major's beard serve as proper body armor to stop shrapnel from a car bomb?

If we had spent this money on buying more mercenaries from Puerto Rico and shit, we'd have already been done years ago. If you're going to put a recruiting commercial out, put it on some minority channel like BET and Telemundo, or send to some redneck motherfuckers on the country music station . For some god forsaken reason all of them love joining the the army and getting their ass shot at. Leave my MTV alone.

I'm Co-opting others pain/Thank you David Cross

2005-07-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

I can't believe this happened.

I mean, I work in English restaurant. This is terrible. How can something like this happen to good people. It's like the world has no meaning. In short, this food is shit. It taste like assholes boiled in asshole broth.
Bleck!

For those who don't know, the first part of my post was heavily indebted to a joke by none other than Mr. David Cross on his "Its Not Funny" CD.
Now, I know it's pretty ironic that I plagiarized a joke by a comedian to get a point across about not co-opting other people pain, not to mention that I stole that image from Stabby at BUTM, but I'm complicated that way. Plus, I kind of cited it. So suck my cock!

Seriously though, call your friends in England. Make sure they're ok. And then shut the fuck up and put it into perspective. The only difference between 50 people dying in a bombing and the number of people who die in car wrecks in your state every day is the sensationalism that politicians can use to make us do stupid shit, like Iraq.

And, if you let it keep you from buying stuff, then the vaguely defined group of brown skinned people who dislike globalization win. And we can't have that.

War of The Worlds!!!

2005-06-30T18:02:00.000-07:00

To answer your question, no, I haven't seen it. But I have seen many previews for it and have caught Tom Cruise's latest antics on Saturday reruns of Best Week Ever!
After minutes of thoughtful contemplation, I'm sad to say, that the results of this valiant effort of movie production seem to be in vain. It's just that I doubt it will have the cruicial "roll up your sleeves masculinity" of the original adapted radioplay by Orson Wells.(Notices his sleeves?) Nor will it have the quaint, English charm of the debutante's ball of heartthrob and memories that was the original book by H. G. Wells. (I've never read any book by an English author. But, I have read the spark-notes to Wuthering Heights, and have listened to The Doors, who named themselves after a book by some english dude. So I'm guessing all English novels are a close approximation).

From what I remember from the original movie, the moral of the story is... That disease can be a good thing, and the military is a bunch of moronic assholes destined to die in an orgy of green blobs and horizontal heat waves that look like a sprinkle head shooting out red water. That and to never underestimate the power of the ingenuitive, attractive, white, mid thirties year old man living in 1950's America. Every last god damn one of 'em mother fuckers was like a mini-Mcguyver!

Mcguyverism, cold war fear tactics, and withholding vaccination are some of my primary values, but this movie lacks the hard-line masculinity of the orginal movie, and lacks a A-typical protagonist name Cathy, I'm giving this my most average rating yet, a 0/5.

The new Stephen Malkmus/Why I have two titles for every thing

2005-05-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

First of all I'd like to apologize. I was going to have a big ol' picture of the album cover somewhere on here, but all I could find on google when searching for 'Face the Truth' was a picture of a chopped up aborted baby (god I love the internet). Secondly, If this is a little late it's not my fault. If you want me to be able to buy albums on Tuesdays when they come out send me some money and complain to my local Best Buy to get thinks in stock sooner.
Finally without further adieu.

The new Stephen Malkmus album is just like everything since 2xCrooked Rain. It is inconsistent, but with a ratio of 3-1 awesomeness to suck. As a fan of Pavement I have opinions, and they need to be expressed for each and every song. So, here goes...

Track 1- Pencil Rot- This song reminds me of "Where it's at" with Ween sound effects/vocoder. That should be fucking awesome, but it's just meh. This is probably a song that will seem better or worse depending on the mood. 3/5

Track 2-It Kills-The opening guitar part sounds too much like Do Not Feed The Oysters. Actually this entire song sounds too much like Do Not Feed The Oysters. The song is saved by the facts that Do Not Feed the Oysters is an awesome song and the chorus is different but just as good. 3/5

Track 3-I've Hardly Been- Shit. 0/5

Track 4-Freeze the Saints- Zurich is Staind, Gold Sounds, We Dance, Starlings in the Slipstream, Bring on the Major leagues, Church on White, Ramp of Death. Stephen Malkmus can practically shit this stuff and it's always pure gold. 5/5

Track 5-Loud cloud Crowd-The opposite of #3. With a great hooks chorus! 4/5

Track 6-No More Shoes-8 minutes of album filler. 2/5

Track 7-Mama-Good, but not really good enough. I wouldn't skip it if it came on, but I wouldn't put a CD on with the intent of listening to this. 3/5

Track 8-Kindling for the Master- This sounds like a wannabe making acid jazz, but it's not too long and boring. I like it. 4/5

Track 9-Post-Paint Boy- This falls in the same category as 'Freeze the Saints'. 5/5

Track 10-Baby C'mon- Good single fodder. I like the horse singing. 4/5

Track 11-Malediction-Stereolab kicks even more ass with Malkmus singing-5/5

By the way the answer to the second title is that I have a complex.

*All album tracks are scored both relative to the album and in general. 5 on one album doesn't mean it's as good as a 5 on another album, but comparable

Opening Post!!!/Holy Covenant

2005-05-29T18:25:00.000-07:00

Hello and welcome to Celebrity Justice . I'm creating this blog as a venting device, forum for which to talk about (mainly) music and trivia, reactionary force against all I dislike, and safe haven for the use of improper grammar. First off, if anyone is reading this, I'm going to make a covenant with you. Nothing is needed on your half, these are just promises that I hope to keep while this thing runs its course.

1-I won't go off an a hissy-fit about how bored I've become with life, politics, music, movies, trucker hats, wristbands, commercialism, people not liking me, or the general minutiae that rules the internet, and how much better things were when I was sixteen. I am sixteen, so the point would be mute (plus I like all those things).
2-Though I will teeter on the edge, I will never digress into "Maddox" style ranting and ravings. Everything on here will have a point and I will not post just to entertain myself.
3-I will not write in internet vernacular.